Your face is a jimmy john
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
