SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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