He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
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Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
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My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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