Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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