I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
