I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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