dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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