you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
