I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
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You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
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Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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