If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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