im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You can't just leave with hair like that
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
