Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
The uberlube is also flammable
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
