I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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