I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
