guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
