I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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