That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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