U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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