I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
