I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
