I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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