Texts From Last Night

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  (850): View more from Florida

  So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.

  (850): View more from Florida

  I guess we all know what he was cookin.

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  (850): So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines. (850): I guess we all know what he was cookin. http://tfl.nu/lvcl
  Replies (15) Good night (1233) Bad night (4002)
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!

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  (506): porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off! http://tfl.nu/nmc3
  Replies (28) Good night (5988) Bad night (957)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit

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  (917): you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit http://tfl.nu/h4ki
  Replies (7) Good night (4791) Bad night (1361)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night

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  (214): The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night http://tfl.nu/8pzt
  Replies (12) Good night (4739) Bad night (922)
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing

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  (810): There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing http://tfl.nu/i1k5
  Replies (7) Good night (2825) Bad night (1167)
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Me toooooo!! Margaritas

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good

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  (773): Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach (630): Me toooooo!! Margaritas (773): I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good http://tfl.nu/3y14
  Replies (53) Good night (1379) Bad night (3914)
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  (806): View more from Texas

  Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.

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  (806): Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again. http://tfl.nu/oiv0
  Replies (5) Good night (1335) Bad night (745)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.

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  (603): I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin. http://tfl.nu/m6dy
  Replies (3) Good night (978) Bad night (424)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover

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  (815): Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover http://tfl.nu/dbpl
  Replies (4) Good night (984) Bad night (767)
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.

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  (318): Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home. http://tfl.nu/6de1
  Replies (1) Good night (773) Bad night (401)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER

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  (651): YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER http://tfl.nu/3hsg
  Replies (2) Good night (596) Bad night (309)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.

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  (202): Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm. http://tfl.nu/4htp
  Replies (3) Good night (482) Bad night (357)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive

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  (775): I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive http://tfl.nu/xzuf
  Replies (0) Good night (358) Bad night (603)
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  (818): View more from California

  Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business

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  (818): Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business http://tfl.nu/hoe8
  Replies (4) Good night (1327) Bad night (350)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so

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  (847): this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so http://tfl.nu/o2zv
  Replies (1) Good night (526) Bad night (472)

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