I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
