when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
