I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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