i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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