Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
