This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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