why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
