I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
