no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
