Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
