So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
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