went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
