I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
