i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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