Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
