Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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