Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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