he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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