Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
