Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
