if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
