Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
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