So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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