it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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