piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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