I think my vagina is haunted
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Floor bacon is actually really good
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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