haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
