Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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