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• (206): View more from Washington

  I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark

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• (630): View more from Illinois

  I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?

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• (404): View more from Georgia

  My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.

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• (847): View more from Illinois

  I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted

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• (206): View more from Washington

  Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"

  (1-206): View more from Washington

  I feel so bad for your roommate

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• (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Not be drunk

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• (941): View more from Florida

  she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum

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• (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner

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• (732): View more from New Jersey

  I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.

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• (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in

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• (847): View more from Illinois

  why did i wake up in the bathroom?

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.

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• (805): View more from California

  im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.

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• (443): View more from Maryland

  You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.

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• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...

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• (415): View more from California

  Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.

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