listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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