Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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